


A Different Kind of Business to Conduct

by orphan_account



Category: Designated Survivor (TV)
Genre: Humor, Urination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-18 21:31:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19343041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: There are two types of business the President does in a day. Official, and unofficial. This is a story about thethirdkind..





	A Different Kind of Business to Conduct

President Kirkman stood before the veritable army of Ocheole tribe protesters. He had, as on the first day of the presidency, ignored his staffers' warnings, and insisted on addressing the crowd out in public. 

 

What he had  _ not _ insisted on, however, was that he be provided with a bottle of water every hour. That was Agent Mike’s instructions. He had the opinion that Tom wasn’t drinking enough, during hot summer day appearances. Well, at this moment, in the middle of a speech that, unfortunately, didn’t seem to calm the masses in the slightest, Tom resolved to  _ never _ listen to Mike again.  _ If he wants me to drink, he’ll have to force it down, _ Tom thought out of necessity to distract himself from his need to pee, making it a bit tougher than earlier to keep his legs still. It was a natural need he was going through, but not one the public should have to see in their President.  _ Lyndon displayed his humanity in that area enough for 20 more presidents, so it’s not the time for another one yet,  _ Kirkman remarked to himself amusedly. A tiny spasm made President Kirkman reflexively put his thighs together. And with that, Kirkman called off the rest of the speech. 

 

“You know what, this speech clearly isn’t doing any good. Keep doing what you’re doing, this clearly isn’t the right place for me to step in, I’m sorry. Have a good day,” Kirkman ended his address early, and walked down from the podium, to his car. As soon as he had stepped down, he was interrupted by a small group of protesters. He couldn’t focus on what they were saying, so just attempted to politely dismiss them.  _ Attempted _ being the operative word..

 

“No, I’m sorry, I’m not wasting my time with this today, I’ve got better things to do, alright,” he remarked with annoyance, before hurriedly getting in his car. 

 

“Where to, sir?” Mike asked. 

 

“Anywhere with a bathroom,” Tom answered with a sigh, now openly wriggling within the privacy of the car. 

 

“Just ´cause they give you a bottle an hour, doesn’t mean you have to drink every one of them,” Mike joked, as he sped up the car through the partially obstructed streets. 

 

“So, you wouldn’t lecture me incessantly if I didn’t?” Kirkman pointed out with a smirk. 

 

“Perhaps, but I certainly won’t anymore, now that I see the effects,” Mike assured him. 

 

“With all these Native Americans, you’d half expect to see a Teepee,” Tom remarked. 

 

“We’ll get you to a better sort of TP soon, Mr President, don’t worry,” Mike promised. 

 

They ended up driving back to the White House. After a quick call by Mike, telling Secret Service not to follow him, due to “ extraneous circumstances”, the President ran to the nearest bathroom, but right before he reached it, Emily and Lyor approached him and led him down the hall, needing to inform him of the aftermath of the speech. They both insisted that it “couldn't  _ wait _ ”.

 

“There’s massive social media backlash from your comments, sir. People are making sarcastic comments about ‘better things to do’, you’re being roasted,” Lyor informed him. 

  
“Why would you say something like that sir? It’s not like you to get angry at protesters like that,” Emily asked. 

 

“I wasn’t angry,” Kirkman countered in defence, in the same annoyed voice as earlier.

 

“Well, either way, you need to come up with an apology, recant your statement,” Lyor instructed. 

 

“I can’t,” the President refused. 

 

“Why not?” Emily asked, confused.

 

“Because, I  _ wasn’t _ angry. I was uncomfortable. Mike has me on a regime of drinking lots of water, which made really need to pee, which thanks to you, I  _ still  _ haven’t dealt with, so if you wouldn’t mind, I really would like to deal with that now,” Kirkman explained with a slight blush, pointing to the bathroom door down the hall. 

 

Lyor got an expression that was part “hmm.. I see,” and part understanding. 

 

“Oh, right, of course, sir, sorry,” Emily apologized. Kirkman thanked her, and ran off down the hall, thighs clenched. He proceeded to have an extremely relieving pee. 

  
  


Later that day, Tom walked into the residence to greet his daughter, and tell her the funny story about the day. 

 

“You’ll never guess what happened to me today, little pea. Hint one: it has something to do with your nickname,” Tom introduced with a smile. 

 

A somber reply came from behind a couch: “You peed yourself? ´Cause I did,” Penny muttered. Kirkman walked over and sat beside her.

 

“You had an  _ accident _ ? Is that why you’ve got new pants on?” Tom asked, noticing that the pants were different than the ones she put on in the morning. 

 

Penny nodded. 

  
“Mrs Taylor wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom during a test. I couldn’t hold it, I’m sorry,” she explained, apologizing. Kirkman embraced her in a tight hug. 

 

“Oh, sweet pea, you never have to apologize for that. And next time your teacher tells you that you can’t go, you go anyway okay?” Tom asked her daughter, reassuringly, adding “but not in your pants!” with a chuckle. 

 

“Okay,” Penny replied now much happier.

 

“So what’s your funny story?” she asked with excitement.

 

“Well, today I went to this rally, and the people really didn’t respond to what I was saying. Which was sort of a good thing, ´cause Mike, the Secret Service Agent, had made me drink a lot of water, so  _ I  _ really needed to go to the bathroom. After a while of trying and failing to get through the streets, we ended up just driving back home, at which point, Lyor and Emily decided to obstruct my journey further. I, on the other hand, used the ‘I’m the President’ card, and got to the bathroom anyway. Just like I want you to do,” Kirkman retold, ending it with further assurance to his daughter. They both laughed at the story. 

 

“Good thing they didn’t follow you in there, like with Lyndon,” Leo joked, interrupting their laughter. 

 

“Hey, mocking the President is against the law,” Tom reminded his oldest son. 

“Doesn’t apply to members of the family,” Leo rebutted with a smile.    
  
“Well it should, Tom commented, leaving the room, shaking his head at what puberty did to his previously  _ sweet _ son..

 

***************************************

President Kirkman summoned Emily and Lyor into the Oval Office.

  
“Are people still sour about my comments?” he asked them.

 

“Yes sir, but it’ll blow over,” Lyor assured him. 

 

“Yes, it will. Because I’m gonna make an unscripted address,” Kirkman requested. 

  
“Mr President, are you sure that’s a good idea right now?” Emily asked, uncertainly. 

 

“Yes, I’ve made it my mission in this unexpected presidency to hold myself accountable for everything. The people deserve an explanation, no matter how  _ awkward _ ,” the President insisted. 

 

“Yes, sir. We’ll set it up,” Lyor replied obediently.

 

**9:30 PM, Presidential Adress Room**

 

**“My Fellow Americans. Today, I went to Washington DC, to speak personally to the members of the Ocheole tribe, to try and mend fences. It was unsuccessful, for more than one reason. I ended my speech saying I had better things to do. This offended you and rightfully so. But you should know that this was not my intention. And I’m gonna explain why I said this. When I said I had better things to do, I was only referring to** **_one_ ** **thing. And that was, hilariously, to go to the bathroom. You see, my Secret Service agent had insisted I hydrate, but that water had to go somewhere. And as I’m sure you’ll agree, that type of discomfort can make you kind of grumpy, and I apologize. A President should be able to juggle more than one kind of** **_business_ ** **..So there. Now, if anyone tells you the President isn’t human, you can rebut with this story. And as an answer to the question ‘does the President of the United States pee?”, the answer is a resounding yes. Yes, I do, and yes I did,** **_excessively so._ ** **Goodnight, and God Bless these United States Of America.”**

 

President Kirkman had a small laugh to himself after the speech. 

 

“How’d the speech go, Lyor?” he asked his Chief Strategist. 

 

“Brilliantly sir, you resonated with everyday values in the most base, natural way possible. Admitting that, makes you nearly as funny as LBJ,” Lyor complimented. 

 

“And let’s keep it that way,” Kirkman noted. 

 

“Mr President! You’ll never guess what happened,” Emily exclaimed, showing Kirkman her tablet. 

 

“There’s this guy who makes art of world leaders sitting on the toilet, and they just made  _ this, _ ” she announced excitedly, showing the President a caricature of himself sitting on a toilet. 

 

“He forgot me. Well, glad I could remind him,” Tom remarked amusedly.

 

“Hard to ignore that reminder,” Lyor noted.

 

“Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go imitate that painting,” Kirkman announced, walking away to do _just that_..

 

The End.


End file.
